Over the past few days I haven’t really felt like writing, only because I realized something a few days ago that I really needed to mull over. Before I got pregnant, I was one of those people who got really shy when people made comments in real life on my interests, because I always detected *something* in their tone that made me self-conscious and not want to do whatever it is that I was doing anymore. Maybe I didn’t want to be pigeon-holed into a category. It goes back to childhood and blah blah blah, and it’s why I’ve never felt like leaning toward any particular career path. I’m not lazy, I have a huge amount of anxiety, and it’s really stupid and really crippling.
Now that I’m a Mom, I have realized that I need to be someone my son can be proud of, and I don’t know what it is that I am proud of to start this off. I am obviously proud of him, and everything I do involving him. But I don’t want to be like I only exist for him, he needs a little more than that. He needs a Mom who can show him stuff, not just be a cheerleader, although that is SUPER important. And I need to be this categorized figure, it is important to him to have me be this.
So who the heck am I now? Other than this perfect little creature’s mama? I know a lot about who I am not. I’m not the best housekeeper, cook, multi-tasker, etc… all those things a typical SAHM is. I love reading, I love animals, I love knitting, I love learning… but all these pieces make up a puzzle that has a few holes. I just don’t have a good grasp of who I am, and maybe it’s my lifelong self-esteem issues talking when I write about this, but I want to feel better about who I am! I’m tired of feeling awkward when nobody is around. I’m really tired of being bothered when I’m around people who don’t get me, when I don’t fit a mold they’ve created for me. Why do I care about how they feel about me? I really shouldn’t! So most importantly, I shouldn’t care when I am lumped into this MOM category even though I feel so awkward about my new Mom status. I’m no longer just Me, I’m part of a We.
So today I am going to practice being this confident person I want to be. Even if only I just do it once, I will have done better than yesterday! All this wondering what-group-am-I-in-now-that-I’m-a-Mom thing has made me finally realize that my “group” is my little family, and that is basically all I need!
Noopy confidently conducts his imaginary orchestra!
*points to whoever can name that little bit of song lyric!