Confidence Is A Preference*

Over the past few days I haven’t really felt like writing, only because I realized something a few days ago that I really needed to mull over. Before I got pregnant, I was one of those people who got really shy when people made comments in real life on my interests, because I always detected *something* in their tone that made me self-conscious and not want to do whatever it is that I was doing anymore. Maybe I didn’t want to be pigeon-holed into a category. It goes back to childhood and blah blah blah, and it’s why I’ve never felt like leaning toward any particular career path. I’m not lazy, I have a huge amount of anxiety, and it’s really stupid and really crippling.

Now that I’m a Mom, I have realized that I need to be someone my son can be proud of, and I don’t know what it is that I am proud of to start this off. I am obviously proud of him, and everything I do involving him. But I don’t want to be like I only exist for him, he needs a little more than that. He needs a Mom who can show him stuff, not just be a cheerleader, although that is SUPER important. And I need to be this categorized figure, it is important to him to have me be this.

So who the heck am I now? Other than this perfect little creature’s mama? I know a lot about who I am not. I’m not the best housekeeper, cook, multi-tasker, etc… all those things a typical SAHM is. I love reading, I love animals, I love knitting, I love learning… but all these pieces make up a puzzle that has a few holes. I just don’t have a good grasp of who I am, and maybe it’s my lifelong self-esteem issues talking when I write about this, but I want to feel better about who I am! I’m tired of feeling awkward when nobody is around. I’m really tired of being bothered when I’m around people who don’t get me, when I don’t fit a mold they’ve created for me. Why do I care about how they feel about me? I really shouldn’t! So most importantly, I shouldn’t care when I am lumped into this MOM category even though I feel so awkward about my new Mom status. I’m no longer just Me, I’m part of a We.

So today I am going to practice being this confident person I want to be. Even if only I just do it once, I will have done better than yesterday! All this wondering what-group-am-I-in-now-that-I’m-a-Mom thing has made me finally realize that my “group” is my little family, and that is basically all I need!

Noopy confidently conducts his imaginary orchestra!

*points to whoever can name that little bit of song lyric!



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2 responses to “Confidence Is A Preference*

  1. I think it’s great that you are figuring out who you are so you so you can set a good example for your son!!

    Oh, and I tried to follow you… but I can’t seem to find the option on your blog except being notified of new posts via email. I’d be happy to subscribe that way if that’s what you had in mind… let me know 🙂 I’m also following you on Twitter as @Advofamama.

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